There’s a great moment in the movie “Lost in America” where Albert Brooks tries to pursuade the casino manager to return his wife’s disastrous gambling losses—just as a one-time gesture of goodwill. It doesn’t work (we ARE talking about (a) Albert Brooks, and (b) casinos).

Today’s NY Times (“Second Homes w/o a Second Thought” – free login required) chronicles some similarly painful scenarios of impulse vacation home purchases by otherwise clever folk. We’ve all been on those blissful vacations where the beer goggles of sentimentality (and beer) lead us down a dangerous path: “Let’s move here and buy that old restaurant!”, “Let’s start a cafe!” (link to Slate article), “Let’s live out our lives here at ClubMed. My girlfriend back home doesn’t ‘get me’ the way YOU do!”

Most of us are gracefully spared, thanks to a good night’s sleep, the tough-love of a good friend, or a TV-induced lack of follow-through.

Not these guys. These whip-out-the-checkbook Ellisons demonstrate TimeWarner-caliber due diligence in pricing, location and dry-rot. If you’d bothered to look behind the shed, you’d have known Bonaduce was living in a van on cinderblocks. It’s not like he’s hiding, y’all. This is trainwreck TV for you and me.

The next time someone you love decides they MUST have that lovely cliff-side cottage they saw in Nantucket, smack them on the side of the head with all 71 ounces of Exclusive Resorts. Then get them an internet connection STAT, and point them to heliumreport.com. They need one of these clubs like cookies need milk.